Sunday, June 14, 2015

I Am What I Am


Ever since I was a child, I wished I could fly. There's something wonderful about soaring weightlessly above the treetops and watching the world unfold below you. Sometimes at night, I would dream that I was flying.

In my early twenties, I noticed my hair was thinning, and by my early thirties, I was quite bald. I should have recognized this as a sign of my true nature, but instead, I tried to deny it by going through expensive transplant surgery.

But in my late middle age, I have come to realize I have been fooling myself all these years.

I am not a pudgy white man.

I am an American Bald Eagle - haliaeetus leucocephalus - mistakenly born into the body of a white man.

I know this will come as a shock to many people, especially those who have known me for many years and thought of me as just an ordinary guy and not a majestic raptor. But this is my reality, and as we have all recently learned, there is no such thing as objective truth regarding who or what we are; the truth, as we all now know and acknowledge, is only what we ourselves believe.

In keeping with my newly-acknowledged identity, I expect everyone to accept, embrace, and celebrate the following:

  • I may decide to build a tree house in the oak tree in your front yard, or possibly even on your front porch. In accordance with the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act (16 U.S.C. 668-668d), you must not disturb my nest, even if such nest is (as they often are) five feet wide and eight feet deep.

  • I may decide to use your roof, or your front porch, or your car, or your own person, as a toilet. You must not interfere with this behavior. You are welcome to use my leavings as organic sustenance for your flower beds.

  • I may decide to raid your grocery cart. You must not object; rather, you should welcome this opportunity to nourish our national symbol.

  • I may accost you in the street and shriek in your face. Your proper response is to smile and continue about your business.
  • As a protected species, I can not be expected to observe the "No Trespassing" restrictions on your property, and I may decide to hunt small game or small children there. You should be grateful that I am doing my part to maintain the balance of nature.

  • The fish heads, cocker spaniel legs, and other carrion on your patio are natural and beautiful.

  • As you may know, bald eagles mate for life, and do not hide indoors when enjoying sexual relations. So do not be surprised or dismayed to see me engaged in intercourse on your local elementary school's playground slide. Rather, see this as a teachable moment for your second-graders, a golden opportunity to explain to them the miracle of how life comes into being. You may take photos and post them on Facebook. A three-quarters profile works best.

  • You may not deprive me of my attire, or appropriate for your use even such attire that I have discarded, again, per 16 U.S.C. 668-668d. Note that the Code allows for exceptions to this rule on issuance of permits to Native Americans to use such attire for religious or ceremonial purposes; Senator Elizabeth Warren, take note.


You will observe that to all outward appearances, I appear to be a white male homo sapiens. While this in no way compromises my true identity, I will not go so far as to attempt to emulate the behavior of Rachel Dolezal and paint myself black and white, attach a beak to my face, or glue feathers onto my body.

That, I think we can all agree, would be insane.



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